I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
only you would photoshop your dick
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
