I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
