Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
