I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
