dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
