dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
