i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
