I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
