a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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