Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
