I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
