it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
The ass gains better be worth it
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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