I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
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