Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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