The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
