this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
