I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
