Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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