Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
