i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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