if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
