I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
