Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
send nudes
from the living room?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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