God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
