I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
