i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
