I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
