I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
