You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
