Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
