you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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