I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
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Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off