The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
