atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I queefed so loud it echoed.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
