I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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