Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
