It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
