I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
