update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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