Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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