I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
