When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
