someone threw a dead crab at me
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
What changed your mind?
Being sober
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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