you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
