Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
