meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
