Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
