Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It's never too late to be topless.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
