Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
