there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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