dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
