i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
