its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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