If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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