im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
