I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
