apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
