Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
