i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
