Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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