Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
