At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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