Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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